Great to see this, Ant - much better than lots of 'more talk' about how it 'might' be... First observation - I don't understand the establishing shots particularly. It feels unnecessarily complex. Show us a master shot of the street with the children at the bus stop. Move closer to the kids. We see the kids turn to look at the house. The camera follows their attention, pushing towards the window. Cut to POV shot from window, so we now see the two kids looking up at the window - make sure the angle is right, so we get a sense of height and that this is a 'motivated shot'. Cut to close up of girl. Cut to girl backing away from window... Try and keep your shot construction in 'plain English' - i.e. that it privileges the information, not the Maya camera. Less complexity is the key.